What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
