Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
