I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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