My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
