woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
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I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
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You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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