the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got inside last night via doggy door
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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