So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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