Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
