When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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