She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
