I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
