Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
