My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
