Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
