This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
