I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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