i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
