I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
