false alarm. still invincible.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
