He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
