i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
