Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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