"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
