i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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