He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
