my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
