If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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