It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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