i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
