'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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