I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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