If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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