I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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