guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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