I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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