I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
