the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
