Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
