The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
