There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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