Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
