Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Life is so much better after having sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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