My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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