I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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