apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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