Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
