I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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