Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
