I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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