Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
