I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
