when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
