..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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