Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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