I CAN MOONWALK!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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