My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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