we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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