I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
