Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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